True Love

True Love does exist: it is reserved for those who respect it.

'Perfection' is Perfectly Boring

If you really want to satisfy your potential mate, keep satisfaction just barely out of reach from him/her (we'll use 'him' for the 'gender-neutral' pronoun in this article). You'll find that all the complaints, worries, concerns, and other joys that come from near-perfection keeps you on his mind all day long; and isn't that what you really want?
So what exactly am I talking about? Let me give you a scenario: Jane likes Steve. A lot. Steve is very attracted to Jane. Steve thinks he would like a woman that loves him completely, cooks his meals and rubs his feet at night; but Steve is wrong: If Jane were to do those things, Steve would think her weak, desparate, of low self-esteem and/or boring. Where's the challenge? Where's the spark?
Now, don't get me wrong, an occasional foot-rub or cooked meal is a wonderful thing--and, in my book, it will get you far; however, too many times when we pursue people--especially when we really like them--we tend to think that 'more is more' and we give all we can to show how much we like the other person. It's only natural: when you like a person a lot, you want to know that they like you just as much--so you think you would want them to manifest their 'liking' for you by giving everything they possibly can; this leads you to show your affection for them by demonstrating--with all those little favors you do and by all the perfect words you say--that they have you 'whipped.' Early on in a relationship, however, this exquisite treatment defeats its purpose: don't try to win his (remember we're using the gender-neutral 'his'--the same would apply if I said 'her') heart by laying down and offering yourself--there's no challenge in that; rather, let him know that there's potential--that there's much to be gained--but that it won't be 'easy.' Let him know that the game is on--that the challenge has just begun. No matter how much you want to give in and make things easier on both of you, try to keep the tension, the mystery there as long as possible. Think about all the great t.v. shows in the past--whenever the tension that resulted from two people who weren't 'supposed' to be together was resolved, the show generally ended the next season. People like drama. People like having a challenge they can win--and the pursuit is where the satisfaction from the win comes.
Remember these five steps:
1) Show interest--most people like to know they have a shot. They don't want to put themselves "out there" if they're just going to be rejected or humiliated. Do something nice (make dinner, write a song, buy a gift) that shows that you really like this person.
2) Send mixed signals--even when you're demonstrating to him that there's a good chance he could win your heart, let him know in suddle ways he's going to have to work for it. Say things that contradict the nice things you're doing. Act aloof, distant, disinterested--especially after going out on a limb and letting him think the deal could soon be sealed.
3) Hold out a little longer than you want--ah, this is such a tough step. It's hard enough acting aloof to a person that you want to be with more than anything else--but trust me: it will be worth it. If your nice gestures had him counting his chickens, your distance is going to have him thinking he may need to nourish the eggs--something he may not have done before he got his mind on what exquisite chickens were coming his way. If you respond too quickly to his return, he may call your bluff--better to make him think that you could slip out of his hands possibly easier than ending up in his arms.
4) Make him feel like the agressor--even if you feel like you like this person more than they like you, don't ever let them know you feel that way. Say little things like, "you are so forward," or "you don't have to try so hard..." to make him think that you think he's the one pursuing you. Be prepared for him to pull back a little, but if he does, let that be a sign that he's trying to figure you out.
5) Keep going--keep sharing your feelings, doing nice things and then pulling back a little. Don't get into a rut--you'll have to mix it up a bit, and eventually you'll find the game is going to change a bit. After some succesful give-and-take, it's likely that the urge to relieve the tension built between you (hey, get your mind out of the gutter!) will be very strong. This is the time when most people enter into relationships, which is just what you should do--you've have fun, you enjoy this person, so take the next step. However, don't stop presenting little challenges--making room for little hunts; it's not over, so don't let the tension die just because one resolution has been formed--strengthen your relationship by keeping the dance going.

So there you have it. Do you agree, disagree? If you have any comments on this article, or advice for other readers (or myself), please feel free to post your comments below.
Conceived Dec 27, 2004

Trax--for singles

There's a new singles' club in town and it's coming soon (in about 10 minutes actually) to a Trax stop near you. That's right, you've known it for a few years as UTA's answer to road-rage and rush-hour, but in your hurry to get to work or school you may have missed Trax's great potential as a singles' club; true, loud music is strictly prohibited while on the train, dancing is discouraged (thankfully), and drinking is definitely a Trax no-no. But let's face it: all that stuff merely provides a little distraction while we participate in the long-cherished ritual of making absolute asses of ourselves to the opposite sex in hopes of getting them into the sack--er, I mean, in hopes of finding true, lasting love. It really isn't that bad of a set-up: plenty of people going the same direction, once you find somebody interesting to talk to, you know they are a captive audience for at least a few minutes, and maybe as many as 30--that's plenty of time to get their number but not so much that they actually have a chance to realize how shallow, lazy, selfish or otherwise undesirable you really are.
The following are 5 Simple Steps to picking up someone on the train:
1) Take a look at the market around you--The moment you find yourself at the Trax stop, look around; make sure you're not passing up the great catch right in front of you in exchange for the mystery person behind door #3.
2) Choose which door you enter carefully--Once you're confident you have a good idea of what's currently available to you in this limited trax-stop market, plant yourself firmly around the area where the last train car will stop; you want to be able to see the people that are already on the train as they pass you by. This step is critical! It's also very tricky--you have to make some quick decision to decide which car you're going to get on and which door will help make your approach appear natural.
3) Choose the perfect seat--the 'perfect seat' is, of course, a seat just kitty-corner from the person you are wanting to get to know better. Now I realize that it's not always possible to land yourself wherever you want on the train--but when possible, sit just to the diagonal of your intended: that way you are close enough to talk, but not so close that it looks like you chose that seat to simply pick up on them--remember: anybody that's any good at anything makes it look natural; meeting somebody on Trax is no different.
4) Don't use a 'pickup line'--I don't care how tempted you are...Don't do it! Remember what I just said about making things seem natural? Well, make things seem natural! Romance is so much more enjoyable when it's not forced...When it just seems to happen; that's not to say that there isn't a lot of work behind making things seem like they 'just happened,' but for your own good, force yourself to act natural: talk to this person almost like you would an old friend; make them feel comfortable; ask them simple questions, or make comments and see how they respond to you. Don't give up if their first response isn't encouraging--there are a lot of weirdos on public transit these days and a lot of people don't want to take the time to find out whether or not you're one of them; but don't be discouraged, if you're confident you're not one of the aforementioned weirdos, keep going--chances are they aren't going anywhere until at least the next stop. I could go on and on about what to say and how to approach the person, but I think that will have to be a separate article--or maybe a separate series of articles.
5) Get their name and number--if you don't, I guarantee you'll never see them again! If you had a nice chat, simply ask them their name, and ask for their number. You don't need to try clever "tricks" to get their number--by this point they're either interested in getting to know you better or they aren't; if they aren't, no big deal--chances are you won't see them again (of course, with Trax, the opposite could also be true (keep reading)). Once you know their name, simply ask, "do you have a phone," and after they answer in the affirmative, open up your phone as if ready to dial and ask, "what's your number?"
And there you have it. You never know, you could meet a new friend, a new lover, or a anew stalker--the possibilities are endless! Just remember have fun, and be safe--don't give out too much information too soon because, you never know, if you're at the same trax stop around the same time every day, there is always the possibility you'll keep running in to them.
Oh, and lastly--have fun, just think of this as a little pre and post-work entertainment; happy hunting!

Tips for non-singles:
Meet your honey on the train.
1) Don't stand together at the stop
2) Enter in different cars
3) At the next stop, one of you should hurry over to the car that your honey is in--be careful! You don't have much time to make it: be sure you're quick, otherwise it's a long wait for the next train, and there are some crazy people in the single world of trax.
4) Sit close to your partner but don't make eye contact at first.
5) Start chatting it up with your partner--really hit it off! Exchange numbers, sit next to each other and start kissing before you have to get off the exit. Mix it up with an invite to come over to your apartment for sex. You'll be able to talk about the expressions on other people's faces for months!

How to Catch the Hard-To-Catch

The most desireable catches are afraid to be caught. For this reason, it is very important to make them think that you're not trying to trap them into a relationship. How is this done? My advice would be to try something along the lines of these 5 easy steps:
1) Go out on a few dates--do something fun, and don't try to impress them or compliment them too much in the beginning: if someone thinks you think they're wonderful before you really get to know them, they're going to think you're the type of person that likes to trap others into relationships.
2) Joke about how much you like dating, and mention that while you really like the other person, you want to make sure they're not the type that's looking for a "relationship."
3) Set some rules. Oh, rules can be so powerful! In this step you talk about the type of non-relationship you both would like your relationship to be, and then you create rules that will help you maintain such an arrangement. The beauty of this step is it lulls the other person into trusting that you are really quite serious about maintaining your freedom and allowing them to keep theirs.
One suggestion for a great rule would be: Don't ask, Don't tell; If you are going out with another person (or have been out with another person) I won't talk about it if you don't ask about it. This rule can help you have fun with other people without any guilt--and keeps both parties from trying to make the other person jealous.
4) Stick to the rules--especially as it starts to get difficult. As time goes by in your free and easy relationship, both of you will have to get to know the other person without the pressure of jumping into a "relationship." This is very powerful and may be a new experience for this person that is used to dating people that are usually trying to get him/her to commit early on in the game. As a result, good times seem to happen easier, because there is less pressure. If you are both compatible, not only will it become clear fairly quickly, but it will become difficult for the other person to want to hang out with anybody else. Now is the time to stick to your guns! If you sense that they are starting to be ready for more commitment, tout the wonderful benefits of the arrangement both of you have agreed to; comment about how much you like the rules, and then take a moment to watch for the reaction from the other person. If they appear uneasy, you are just where you want to be--but be careful; don't jump too soon: you want to wait for them to make the first "move." You may find it effective to start to say something interesting about your feelings, or something you did, and then stop yourself by mentioning that your "rules" don't allow for you to continue. You should also be sure to suddley invite them to an activitiy with you, and then retract it momentarily, making sure you're not "smothering" them or "cramping their style." Eventually they'll make it clear that they don't mind a little bit of "smothering."
5) Reveal the cracks in the foundation: after your soon-to-be sweetheart has silently demonstrated some level of discomfort with your rules that were once so wonderful, say something that gives a slight indication that you may not be happy with them either. The next time that they say they don't mind being "smothered" a little bit, mention that the rules prohibit such actions, followed by a quick remark that your only respit would be an alteration to the rules. This shows that you are still respectful of their "single" status, but you are not unwilling to involve more commitment in the relationship. This is a tricky time, and should be handled with care; make sure you read the other person very closely and let them make the first move--however, don't forget that a first move will generally not be made if the arrangement appears immutable (in other words, don't expect the other person to make the first move if you are going to appear immobile). (note to self: is immobile the right word here? or is it immutable? and if it's immobile, maybe i should just stick with the clarification sentence)

And there you have it: when the relationship no longer fits the rules, create new rules to help the new relationship blossom. If you follow these steps along the way, you'll find that both of you enjoy each other and your relationship more than if you'd pushed for committment before it was time. Commit early on to the freedom to choose freedom, and, assuming you're with the right person, you'll find together that commitment that takes time in the making, is better prepared to stand tall through its many tests.